Top 5 Bend blog predictions for 2010

Posted on January 1, 2010

Everywhere you turn this time of year, you have people making predictions. They are all interesting, but after reading them I have to laugh. One could no sooner hit a mosquito with a bb-gun then predict anything accurately (And in these economic times no less). So it becomes a pathetic guessing game. And with that, here are my simple guesses for 2010. And I am picking on the locals, who I hope realize that all this snark is a compliment.

best minimum wage job a middle aged guy ever had
This year, our much beloved Duncan McGeary will take a vacation from both Blogging and Work (OMG!?! I know right!). Oddly enough reports start coming in from FoxNews CNN MSNBC reliable news sources that Hell has frozen over. Upon hearing this, Linda and Dunc decide to go take their icy holiday in Hell for a quote “Righteous ice fishing trip dude!” as well as visiting the historic set of  “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”. While there, the happy couple will also learn that the best selling board game in Hell is “The Settlers of Satan” (Say-tawn), where alas, Satan always wins. Never the less, good times had by all!

Jake Ortman will sit down at his desk, boot up his computer, open his favorite web browser, and stumble across a cold and deadly truth. There is no longer any Time to kill. So successful were his “Time Killing” posts, that Time suffered a fatal blow in 2009.  For what should have been several weeks (were Time to still be alive) Jake will find himself in a near anemic stupor. But finally,  Jake will set into motion a new diabolical plan. Being both a Blogger and a fan of  phonetics, he will start off on a horrific killing spree with his series of “Thyme Killing” posts targeting both the spice and the Japanese band.  (Mwhahahahaha!)

Seeing the failings of the Democrats to do anything worthwhile in two years and having a gift for sensing weakness, BendBubble2′s Paul-Doh shuts down his blog and announces that he is running for Jesus. “I think this is the right time for it.” Paul says when asked about his reasoning “The Dems have been pathetic and Jesus is a deity and political position that I was born for. The prophetic nature of my blog, along with my strategic use of the ‘F’ word, will easily help the transition from blogger savant to savior of souls“. Sadly the campaign poster of an Anglo-Saxon Paul-Doh, with creamy skin, blue eyes, flowing brown hair, and clothed in a blue and white robe while holding two swim-suit clad women under each arm, does nothing to garner support. (Pundits will eventually argue that it actually weakened his message)

Jon Abernathy surprisingly rues the day “The Brew Site” was able to supply him with an all-you-can-drink alcoholic beverage buffet. In a drunken haze some time during June and while trying to sober up, he will access his HackBend blog over an unencrypted wireless network at one of the many coffee shops around Bend. The packet containing his username and password will be garnished by a 15 year old taking a break from an eighteen hour WoW marathon. The teen will then proceed to hack “HackBend” leaving the message “You’ve been h@x0r’d!!! All your base are belong to us!on the index page of HackBend’s site. Oh the irony!

My Back Pages
After seeing Avatar in 3D, Jesse Felder makes a bullish move and goes long on Pandora. “I believe that the unobtanium stock pile that exists beneath the surface of Pandora is where the market is headed” Jesse will state on record. He will then go on to research the world of Pandora, even going as far as calling James Cameron to ask for insider tips on when “The Company” will IPO and release their market shattering quarterly. James’ people will eventually leave a brief voicemail message that states “Dude, we realize that the movie contains ground breaking CGI and sweet 3D cinematography leading to the very edge of realism, but thats all it was, a movie.”

Congrats to everyone who made it in the Top 5 this year, and a happy holidays to all!