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Getting old, is getting old

On the 8th I turned the big two-nine! And my wife organized quite a good BBQ and party for me. My parents even drove the distance to celebrate with us. It was a rip roaring good time.

There was though, one odd occurrence that happened over the course of my parents visit. It was something my Dad said. And at first, I didn’t really pay any attention. It wasn’t until a friend asked me.

“Do you feel any older?”

That I found that I could finally articulate my thoughts, and I was able to share about my Dad with my friend.

I said that as we (mom,dad,jaimi,i) were sitting around playing a board game,  Dad said;

“I’m having a hard time using my thumbs now days, because of arthritis”

And I sat shocked, because I have never heard my Dad complain or comment about this topic. EVER! After everyone went to bed, I ended up just lying there next to Jaimi, thinking about my Dad’s thumbs.

There are a lot of great memories in those thumbs. Magical moments that couldn’t have been created without them. How my Dad used his thumbs on the handle of a lathing tool as he did some wood working, pressing down on the neck of his classical guitar, or on the back of his clarinet as he plays, or lifting Jaye high over his head and dropping him on our childhood bed to a room full of laughter, smiles, and squealing. And with their loss on the horizon, I felt old as well as responsible for my family. And I thought

“Age is the metronome to a song that shall never be repeated”

I guess this year, the gift of responsibility was what I really received. And though some would curse it, or run from it, I don’t mind. Not one bit.

-peace

Dear Gracie Jaye

Dear Gracie Jaye,

You almost never came to be, that is the truth of it. Between the loss of your Great Grandma, the loss of your Uncle, and the loss of your sibling in the womb, your mother and I carried a deep sadness. Yet despite the fact that so much grief preceded you, we are now humbled at the amount of joy that you, our beautiful heart, have brought into our lives.

Our prayer for you is three fold;

We pray that God gives you a discerning mind and wisdom to match and that you use these qualities to always seek a path towards righteousness and truth. We welcome and look forward to your ability to ask questions and we promise to do our best to answer the answerable ones, and hold you through the ones we can’t

We pray that God blesses you with family and friends of pure heart. Those who will give in your support or shield you from harm. We know that many people love you and we desire that many more should.

We pray that God gives you the strength to fight for the weak, to seek out and care for the untouchable and unlovable. You are our bright star and we long for you to have a meek and Christ-like heart.

And finally, we offer you back to God, through actionable faith, though it feels redundant, as we already know you are His. And whether for a year a, a month, a day, or a moment, we thank God for the opportunity to love and cherish you.

May you have all of Mommy’s kindness and none of her cracks, all of Daddy’s strength and none of his weakness, and may you seek and find the warm loving embrace of a perfect Savior. We love you Gracie Jaye.

Going to counseling with my wife

Yeah, so I haven’t really spoken about it on acloudtree. But for about 7 months, my wife and I have been going to counseling.

*GASP* “What? Counseling!?!” you ask.

Yup, counseling. And let me tell you, I am thankful that we have been making the effort. Gracie came into our lives around October, which has been a welcome blessing. But we knew even before she was born, that we were already going through a rough patch.

Now in almost eleven years of being together, Jaimi and I have only needed to go to counseling once before. But this time it was different. We weren’t arguing a lot like the newly weds we were. We just seemed to be allowing the slow drift of discontent to wash our love away.  The miscommunications to pile high and the unspoken assumptions to divide our hearts like a worn deck of cards.

Culturally, I realize that it is hard to wrap our western minds around counseling. Actually admitting to ourselves that we can’t do this. The blatant neediness. But let me tell you, neediness is a good thing. Letting my ego and pride get minced into tiny bits is a good thing. Spending focus time with the woman I have promised to love is a good thing.

A common thread I found, in asking people who they personally receive counseling from, is that everyone feels it is hard to find the “right” person. To trust someone with a closet full of skeletons all holding baskets of dirty laundry. But getting hung up here, is missing the point. For me, I’m not their to impress the counselor. I don’t care that he probably realizes I am a jerk at times. All I need the counselor there for is to make sure that I hear my wife, and that she hears me. And our counselor Layne is great at that.

The interesting thing in all of this, is that I get the feeling that Layne is more eastern in his mind set. Where as Jaimi and I grew up attending your standard Christian church. But where most people would run away from that difference, for fear of being “corrupted”, Jaimi and I welcome it. We always go in listening, then we keep what works, and drop what doesn’t. Acknowledging that the key in all of this, is that we will both have to submit, to humble ourselves, in order for the marriage to thrive.

The easy part this time around, is the “why”. Where before it was just Jaimi and I, battling our separate selfish sides. We now have this cutie to care about.

Ultimately we do this in hopes that Gracie can see her parents model a working love, not an regime of the heart. And so I encourage anyone reading this, especially husbands, to try and open up yourselves to the possibility that counseling can actually help your marriage.

We shit on the ones we love

Three years ago, I went out to a farm. Pulling up to the double wide, I parked the 4runner, and stepped out.

“Howdy!” a gal said as I approached.

“Hi” came my response. “I’m here about the German Shepherd puppies.”

“Well, they are right over here” she said pointing, then lead me to a gated area where six adorable puppies played. All of them were jumping, biting, and climbing over each other.

I knelt down and started the process. Reaching out a hand, stroking and touching all of them. The pack never seemed afraid or concerned, they seemed to feel that I was just another litter-mate. One of the males caught my eye and so I picked him up. And as I stared at him, I wondered;

Is this the one?

It was about this time that I felt something rather warm spread across the crook of my arm. Right where the pup’s hind quarters were. And looking down I saw and smelled the streak of crap, as it trailed itself down my shirt. It was accompanied by the newly began thumping of the puppy’s tail against my skin.

The woman’s eyes went wide. “Here-” she said “-give him to me” obviously disturbed.

Laughing to myself, I said “No he is fine.” then turning to face her, out came the words “I’ll take him.”

Her eyes grew even wider. “Really?” Shock now out-sourcing the statement to extreme disbelief.

“Yeah, I have to now-” the laughter still bubbling. “-he would be misunderstood with anyone else.” And that is how Stoic the dog came to be a part of our family.

Now three years later, I sit next to a tub and bathe my seven week old daughter. Stoic the dog protectively watches his newly acquired charge as I gently soap her body. Washing the creases and the folds, the ears and the toes. I turn on the faucet and start to rinse the suds from her skin when suddenly she begins to slip from my grasp. Without hesitation, I grab a quick hold, and scoop her and an arm full of water towards me. Her little body bounces against my chest, along with the wet as it drenches my shirt.

I can see Stoic the dog watching me out of the corner of my eye, catching me in my mistake. And the anger at myself over almost dropping my daughter makes me mutter a frustrated “Well shit!”

Not realising the prophetic nature of my words, and still clutching Gracie to my chest, I hear an outburst from below. A sound, that if my grandfather were to hear, he would make sure to retort “Report from Berlin!”

Looking down, I see Christmas green combined with the texture of oatmeal, exploding like a bug on a windshield across my soaked shirt. And with the sounds of artillery still firing out the behind of my baby girl, I turn and come face to face with Stoic the dog. Whom, I kid you not, tilts his head, perks his ears, and smiles at me.

Frustration melts away, replaced with deja vu glazed laughter. I smile, reach out my free hand, and give my puppy a pat on the head. “Yeah boy, we can keep her” I begin sheepishly. The thump and beat of a large doggy tail against the bathroom door starts to sound his consent. Then pulling my eyes back to my daughter, I lovingly say “She would be misunderstood with anyone else”

Copyright © Jared Folkins
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