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Category Life

Murmurs Of The Heart

I laid there, on the floor. Snoring the deeply exaggerated Disney-esque snore of someone who was fake sleeping. With barely the flutter of motion, I peeked through almost closed eyes and watched as my daughter stood above me, chirping questions in that recently recovered yet long forgotten dialect of baby gibberish. Slowly she quieted, and then knelt next to me titling her head. The “Why isn’t my Daddy up chasing me anymore?” question was evident despite the language barrier.

“Baaaaaah!” I yelled, and found her stunned space-alien saucers for eyes looking back at me. Mouth agape.

I grabbed her arms and spun her high above in an elegant display of practiced father-daughter aerobatics. During this flight, I some how reached a loose index finger and wiggled it into an open armpit. Giggles and squeals erupted as if a sound effects board was queued somewhere in the house.

Still lying on my back, I brought her down on my chest, and nose to nose we laughed together. I snuck a quick kiss in before letting her go, watching as she army rolled off my body to quickly form a sprinters stance. Her eyes were beautiful as they held a “Ready, Set, Go” sparkle of anticipation.

Jumping up I then began to chase her, and she yelped again. And for the next 30 minutes we ran and we played until we both collapsed on the floor. She crawled up, rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me. I could feel the beating of her heart as it tried to pound its way out of her body and into mine.

“The Doctor said she heard an irregularity” remembering the words that my wife had spoken earlier. “They need to do an endocardiogram to figure out what is going on.”

And so I clung to my daughter and realized that this could be the last moment we played innocently. That tomorrow morning, the Doctor could find something that would change the course of our family. I squeezed her a little tighter and inhaled her sweet baby soap aroma just a little deeper. Trying to freeze the exact moment, in my mind, forever.

That night, as I sang to her while getting ready to place her in her crib, I prayed.

God, if at all possible, let her heart be ok. Let it be the murmuring of a natural body and not the declaration of a failing one.

I laid her down, watching as her eyes fluttered in what would soon be true and deep sleep.

I then whispered. ”Just so you know, I’d go broke for you. If there is an issue, we will get it fixed. Nothing else is more important to me than you. Not our cars, our house, or our Money. Just so you know.”

And with only uncertainty to cling to, I left so that she could claim her much needed rest.

 

Macifier.com – FREE Mac App That Locks Your Keyboard And Mouse

Macifier - Pacifying Your Keyboard And Mouse

My daughter Gracie was routinely disabling our family laptop while she skyped with her Grandparents. So I wrote a small Macintosh application that locks the keyboard and mouse. After showing the initial app to my buddy Mike Brisk, he created an awesome logo.

Head over to http://macifier.com and download it for free.

Where Faith And Hope Are Requirements

Ever felt like you were losing your faith and lacking in hope?

I have.

These types of thoughts usually lead right into a nice bout of depression which is always a bitter battle. A downward mathematical equation calculating the slope of a line built on despair.

But one thing that I notice is that the fight begins when I felt that I no longer have questions. When the fullness of having things proves me safe in my supposed tangible security. Which I so arrogantly praised myself for acquiring. And with everything defined, categorized, and shelved so nicely, it would leave me in a place that no longer allowed for me to ask who I am and why I am here. Already summarizing that life had little meaning and even less value.

When I used to get to this spot, I would always voice that I no longer felt I had a reason to hope and that I had lost my faith. And go about looking for faith and hope not as objective solutions, but almost deities, defining the value using my subjective context.

And what would happen is that despair would seep right on in, dragging me deeper into feelings of pointlessness.

Lately I’ve been solving these issues by challenging my perspective. Going out and finding families and people who are in great need and have great pain. People whose lives have been torn apart by affairs, theft, drugs, or death.

These are the people who prove that we are not anywhere close to as knowing and mighty as we think. They are the ones to whom faith and hope are requirements. Simple reminders that we will all be broken someday and will cling to our faith and shout our hopes aloud.

Because when you are small, what else is there?

Let Me Think About It

You know what I admire about my Dad? Well in a society so focused on self. Where when asked for ones opinion, most blurt out words before substantive thoughts can form. My Dad doesn’t, and in fact, is far from this. When asked a question where he may not have a diffinitave thought or answer, he chooses to issue the following statement.

“Let me think about it son”

And indeed my Father will. Sometimes I’ll go several weeks, maybe even a month before hearing about the topic again. But he always gets back to me, and I know that he has been wrestling with whatever question I placed upon him. Trying to do his best to steer me in a direction of value and clarity.

So last night, when my wife asked me a question. What was the body of feedback that I gave her?

“No, its not going to work”

This was a topic that I didn’t know much about, and hadn’t given a lot of thought to. Yet despite this, I still was saying “Nay” with my body language. Closing my mind long before my wife closed her mouth.

I had formed my conclusion rapidly, and was poorer for doing so.

What did I do this morning to start to correct this action? Well I thought about my Dad, and what he would do. And then I did what I should have done in the first place. I sent my wife a text message saying basically;

“Let me think about it”

Love you Dad

Copyright © Jared Folkins
Programming, Computers, Writing, Economics, and Life

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